I Heard God

“What About - Him?!”

The Spirit spoke to me.

I have found that in the dead of winter, motherhood can feel like the pits. I can be overwhelmed, easily annoyed, and experience unexplainable exhaustion. So, my emotions can fluctuate unexpectedly. (An unfortunate experience for all who cross my path.) There are days when I have felt pity for myself like a toddler who’s been denied a cookie. I am reluctant to admit that I’ve also thrown tantrums and made a fool of myself. I could blame hormones or lack of sleep. Maybe it’s depression? Or perhaps just winter blues or cabin fever.

The reality is: Motherhood is the greatest gift the Lord has ever blessed me with.

Although, at times, admittedly, I feel like the family slave. Motherhood requires a constant state of sacrifice. Most days I’m willing to make those sacrifices and I’m joyful to do so.

And on other days, I don’t want to do any of it. I want to sit without noise and remember what it’s like to hear my own thoughts.

And - well - that is motherhood, kind of.

I have a greater respect now for my grandma and my dad who raised me.

I am fully aware this is what I committed to, but until you’re a mother, you don’t understand the shift that is required.

I went from being an only child to a self-centered drug addict. I got arrested, and two years after the date of my last hurrah, I became a mother.

I got sober when I was 20 years old. I gave birth to my first child when I was 22 years old.

It sometimes feels like I went from being 13 years old and taking my first drug to waking up as a 22-year-old single mother. I squandered the entirety of my teen years away. I was thrust into motherhood in my 20s.

Now, here I am, nearly 37 years old, feeling like my life has been a whirlwind, and some days I can’t get a grasp on it.

There are days I just wake up and cry. I hate to admit that. I know what to do to make the day function, but sometimes I have no idea what I’m doing. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Perfection has never been the goal, but it is the seemingly unattainable standard that I hold myself to.

One of my husband’s “core values” at his employer is that he must “commit to the pursuit of perfection”. Every time I hear that, I always think - yikes - CRINGE!

What a daunting task!!

No wonder he comes home exhausted.

If I woke up every day and told myself I had to “commit to the pursuit of perfection”, I would go to bed every day feeling like a failure.

I’m over here like… What if I just show up messy and do my best?? 

It is what it is, and life always goes on.

Obviously, I understand that this is not good business practice, but most of the time, it’s all I have to give.

So, as I’m selfishly lying in bed the other night, thinking about being grouchy if my four-year-old comes to get in bed with me for the one millionth time ..

God said to me,

STOP. IT. RIGHT. NOW!!

“What about HIM?”

Sometimes I wonder if I even have a fully functioning brain. I just want to tap on the top of my head like a microphone.

Tap tap tap… Is this thing on?

In that moment - my brain was ON!

My heart woke up. I HEARD GOD!

Yes, Lord?? I’m here. I hear You.

I needed this wake-up call!

Life is so short, fleeting!

All of the overstimulation faded away at that point and life shifted in that moment.

That night, my precious little boy came and crawled into my bed. I got up to use the bathroom and the moonlight was shining through the window.

I could see a dark stain on my bed and I panicked. What is this!?!

I fumbled for my phone light and shone my lock screen display on the bed. It was blood!

There was blood everywhere.

My silk pillowcase was stained. The blood had soaked the pillow, it was all over the fitted sheet, all over my comforter, and all over my son!

I instantly started searching for a cut. I pulled his little arms out from under his face to be sure that he was breathing!

How is my little guy injured?!

There was blood all over his face, all down his arms & his hands were covered in blood. After careful examination, and him waking up questioning me about what I was doing…

I verified that he was alive & he was not injured!

I decided I would fix the mess in the morning.

As I said, it’s the dead of winter… this means, dry air. It all boiled down to the fact that he had a terrible nosebleed. My poor little buddy.

In that moment, I thought… How dare I!?

I can be selfish. Sometimes I am so inconsiderate. Yes, I want to sleep all the way through the night. But there will come a day when he will no longer need me for comfort.

I sat awake, looking at his sweet little face. This reality check felt like a horse kicking me in the mouth.

I wholeheartedly believe that I have been called to raise my children. That’s it, for now.

THIS is my mission.

I am grateful for the task and responsibility. But when I get my priorities out of order, and my balance is off kilter… I become overwhelmed, tired, and easily angered! But that is not the fault of my children. It is so important for me as a mother to make sure that I am caring for myself first. Like the flight attendant reminds us on the airplane… We have to be putting our oxygen masks on first.

Questions I ask myself when life feels out of control and I need to regroup:

Have I spent time with the Lord?

When was the last time I took a nice long hot shower — with the bathroom door locked so I wouldn’t be disturbed?

Maybe I need to go lie in a tanning bed for 10 minutes all alone?

Maybe I need to have coffee with a friend?

Do I need a moment of quiet?

How's my prayer life?

Have I journaled lately?

Do I need fellowship?

Perhaps I need to exercise!!??

Am I eating healthy food?

GO FOR A WALK AND BREATHE FRESH AIR!

I am so good at advocating for my children. But if I’m not careful, it will get the best of me. Because I also need to be advocating for myself.

(This is BALANCE!)

Reality is - that there are days that I lock myself in the bedroom just to get a deep breath. I am merely human.

I want to remember everything, all the good and precious moments. I want to be able to do everything, teach them everything, go everywhere, and on and on.

But I am only one singular little human.

I need to remember the days when I am so overstimulated - those days that I cannot stand to hear another single peep.

Some days I am getting absolutely everything done! In those times, I am so proud of myself! It's easy to rejoice in my successes when I can see all that I have accomplished in the day!

But then there was that day when we were sitting at the lunch table, we'd been cooped up for 10 days in the negative temperatures (and I was approaching my cycle!) My inner thought life was in turmoil.. and I shamefully punched my fist into a bowl of chips and fragments of chips went flying everywhere. Then we all laughed like mentally unstable hyenas.

Ha. Is this considered BALANCE?!

(oh the shame!)

Are these proud moments? No.

Are they things that I want to remember? No.

Is it reality? Yes!

Is it normal not to be OK all the time? Yes.

Will my children remember some of these things? Yes.

Is it OK that not all of their memories will be perfect? Yes.

Do I need to get a grip at times? Yes.

Does the good outweigh the bad? Yes!

AM I STILL BREAKING CHAINS??? YES!!

For this we PRAISE JESUS!!!

Life is a constant balancing act.

Sometimes we will fall! I lose my balance.

I don’t always get it right.

But I praise God every single day that I have HIM! I cannot fathom trying to do life on my own ever again. I did that. I did that for far too long. It is an ugly, lonely, angry, & selfish place to be.

I’m over that life.

There are going to be days when, I feel like I just don’t want to do any of this anymore!!

Maybe I'm tired and yes - I am selfishly human.

Then, God reminds me,

“What about them?”

“What about him?”

“What about what I want for You, my child?”

“He won’t need you forever.”

“They will be gone before you know it.”

“Think of others before yourself”

—Philippians 2:3

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, pure, and lovely” —Philippians 4:8

-Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

-Remember to stop and breathe.

-Take time for yourself.

-Never give up!

-Be constantly maintaining a conversation with our Father in heaven.

-Never be afraid to admit when you’ve been wrong and always apologize when necessary.

I like to put Post-it notes around the house with verses written on them to remind myself of HIS TRUTH.

Sometimes I paraphrase them or switch it up to fit ME. . . Because I’m really good at reading the Bible and knowing that it’s true for other people, but forgetting that it’s also true for me!

“Lord, help me not to grow weary while doing good for my husband and my children. Amen.”

-Galatians 6:9

“Remember that God will supply all of your needs”, and “we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength”. I often find it necessary to read the book of Philippians because I struggle to find joy on my own… I’m just naturally depressed .. I guess.

Because I live on this broken sphere!

My inner child was abused.

… And now - I’m a broken adult human.

But I've been redeemed!!

Today I'm showing myself grace! I am choosing to lovingly put the needs of my family before my own.

• Romans 12:10: Commands believers to love each other deeply and honor others above themselves. 

God is so good.

Be patient with yourself.

If I get to the end of my life, and I am given the opportunity to do all of this again… the love I have for my husband and children is so intense that I would do it 100 times over. All of the selfish moments aside - the blessing of being a mother and wife and living to serve these people is something I am beyond grateful for.

I watched my father live a life of isolation. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

“The more we get together the happier we will be!” Do you remember this children’s song?

The more we get together, together, together, the more we get together

The happier we’ll be.

Humans are desperate for fellowship and connection and community… HUMANS NEED FAMILY. We were not meant to do life alone! But we can become so comfortably miserable in our little unhappy lives.

The enemy rejoices when we choose not to engage. The enemy rejoices when we choose ourselves over our family. The devil hates marriage. The devil hates it when believers multiply.

It’s OK to take time for ourselves.

But ultimately, we must choose love.

God is love.

The greatest Commandment is LOVE.

LOVE GOD.

LOVE OTHERS.

We must find balance.

Remember that time is fleeting and life is a series of phases. This too shall pass.

Most of it is passing much more quickly than we even realize.

Motherhood is hard, only sometimes. It’s not constant pain and insanity! It is so wonderful and full of continuous blessings! Yes, there are harder days! But it is so so worth it. You don’t lose anything by becoming a mom. It is a world of gain!! Don’t let the world convince you otherwise. Don’t be so selfish that you deny yourself the greatest gifts from Our Mighty God.

“Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” - Matthew 19:26.